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6 Ways I Wasn’t Prepared For A Special Needs Child

  1. You’re not going to get skinny eating anything out of a crock pot, and this is doubly-true if the word “skinny” is in the recipe’s title. Also, to the creators of the “grain-free Mexican beef pot-pie with the corn-free crust”: that recipe is broken. Stop cooking before you kill someone.
  2. Plum. Decorate with plum. Now. Why? Because grey and yellow are going…going…goooonnneee.
  3. Humans love to print stuff. It doesn’t matter how far technology takes us, we have a biological drive to print, collate, stack paper neatly, and then file it away. Printables. Cleaning Schedules. Cupcake Toppers. Gotta print that stuff…right…now. These are the same people who download fonts, aka “Font-a-holics”. Beware. They’re all around us, judging our use of Curlz MT as so 2003.
  4. Apparently everyone has emotional baggage they need to leave behind. Lots and lots of baggage and cute sayings about where to put it. You know what? The survivors from item (4) should get with the paper-ologists from item (3), because they know how to file this kind of thing away. Write it down, print it out, and then FILE THAT PAIN AWAY. By the way, “getting revenge” fonts should never be confused with “finding inner peace” fonts. Some things are simply not done…
  5. You need a grey t-shirt and a funky necklace. Everything else in your wardrobe is superfluous. Where should you put your superfluous clothing items? Good news: every outfit should be paired with a purse the size of a small Central American country. Just carry that crap around with you, I say. Spilled coffee on my shirt? No problem, I have 7 more in my purse.
  6. The knick-knacks on your foyer sideboard aren’t arranged properly. What do you mean you don’t have a sideboard in your foyer? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T OWN AN ANTIQUE MIRROR TO HANG ABOVE YOUR IMAGINARY SIDEBOARD? Put on a strapless chevron dress STAT, before someone sees you and finds out you don’t own thousands of dollars worth of mixy-matchy accent pillows!
  7. I had no idea I could become a culinary master with nothing but a muffin pan. Do you know the muffin man? Because he’s making casseroles and brunch dishes these days. Flip him over and he’ll make tiny bread bowls. It’s kitchen anarchy, my friends.
  8. People who suggest you write a letter to your kids every year and add $20 to the envelope to give them at their high school graduation, aren’t very good at math. I can hear my daughters now, “Wait, let me get this straight: I studied my butt off, made National Honor Society, got a scholarship, and you’re giving me 18 tear-stained letters and $360 bucks? SO, what? I can fill up my gas tank, take in a movie, and read about being potty trained? Ew, Mom. EW.”
  9. Who needs a step-by-step instructional on how to cut a watermelon? WHO? Same people who read the instructions on shampoo bottles, that’s who. I’m thinking the watermelon people are friends with the psycho pantry people. You’ve seen their pins: 48 matching glass jars on their bright white pantry shelves, filled to the top with colorful pasta and grains. Where some see fanatical organization, I see expired food. How many legumes can one family eat?
  10. You can go on and on about Silicon Valley and breakthroughs in Science, blah, blah blah. CEOs everywhere are thinking one thing, and one thing only: Why the heck didn’t I invent the Elf on the Shelf? Biggest regret EVER. That ugly elf is pure bloody-gold genius. Darnit!

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